Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Carnivores and Disney Whores, Racist Lies While Julia Cries...

Well, I'm not actually having a bad day, so this may not be that hard. I have new clothes, that coffee table book about Norwegian Black Metal finally came out, and someone called me "funny" on Gawker today. So while everything is coming up Matt, let's look at some unfortunate losers whose days are not as cheery as mine.

5. Jessica "Sausage Stuffer" Simpson

Decked out in her best slogan-tee, Jessica decided to leave the house in the above shirt reading "Real Girls Eat Meat," which not only left ample opportunity to place any synonym for fat in that sentence, but also attracted the attention of PETA. IDIOT. I'm so glad tabloids are turning her into the next Jen "Countdown To Dying Alone" Aniston with articles such as "DESPERATE FOR TONY," and "Jessica to Tony: GIVE ME A BABY!"). OK Magazine is reporting (via "family insider") that the shirt is an jab at Romo's ex-girlfriend Carrie Underwood, who has been named PETA's "sexiest vegetarian" for two years in a row. You really showed her, Jess.

4. Billy Ray on Miley: "We just love making love music."
Cyrus went on the Today show yesterday to promote his new series he is hosting Nashville Star (you may recall he was one for about 15 minutes), and brought up his daughter Miley's Vanity Fair cover shoot...again. “I didn’t know they were gonna strip her down and wrap her in a blanket,” he told Meredith Viera. “My daddy always told me the more you stomp in poop, the more it stinks." How utterly pedestrian! DELIGHTFUL. More please! “So I was just, ‘OK, this happened. We got to deal with it.’ My mind also went back to 1992,” he continued, “I had the number-one album on Billboard Top 200 for 17 weeks in a row. And with that positive thing going on, there was also that double-edged thing of a reaction. And I remember Kris Kristofferson stopped me backstage at one of my shows and said, ‘Listen, hoss, always remember: The turkey with the longest neck’s always going to be the one everyone’s shootin’ at.’ ”

Oh but he couldn't just stop there. No, naked daughter discussions and turkey talk wasn't where Billy Ray wanted to finish this discussion. He had to bring up that other picture. The one above, where he hands are all over Miley's seductively posed body. “I’m sorry if I offended somebody. That’s just a daddy who loves his daughter a whole lot.” Like, way, way, too much. Like a Flowers in the Attic, Blue Lagoon, fucking Chinatown kind of way. “Miley and I just got caught up in this adventure of this dream and what we do for a living and, again, we both love acting, we love making music, and we love each other. I’m her dad, she’s my daughter. If a daddy hasn’t hugged his daughter recently, I recommend he does.” My dad hugs me like that, patricide is in order.

3. Julia Allison

Well, Gawker just got a little bit less esoteric. She was fired. I don't really care about her that much, except now who will support the already stellar cast of Fashion Police commenters? Goumba Johnny and Jack from Project Runway can't do it all on their own!

2. E.D. Hill
Now that she has all of that free time on her hands, I hope she enjoyed The View this morning, where Michelle Obama "terrorist fist jabbed" the shit out of all of her co hosts, even Hasselbitch!

1. Common Fucking Decency
These were sold at the Texas Republican State Convention:

There's already an apology and the money made off of the pins is being donated to charity. Oh good. No hard feelings then.

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