YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: TRAILERS EDITION pt 2

The holidays kind of caught up with me, and when I realized I still had about 50% of my Christmas shopping to do, I figured putting off the final six trailers on this list might have to wait just a hot minute. Well, now I'm done, have eaten my weight in shellfish, slept for two days, and arisen to bring you the six greatest movie commercials of the decade. I know you were waiting with baited breath. You're welcome.

6. Femme Fatale (2002)
You're all like "whaaat? What the shit is this movie?" And then I'm all "The one where Rebecca Romijn (then Stamos) Mission Impossibles herself into a ladies room to make out with a chick wearing a gold snake because that gold snake is worth a bajillion dollars!" And you're like "DUH." Brian De Palma may be incapable of making a decent movie in the last couple decades, but he can make a damn good trailer.

5. A Serious Man (2009)


4. A Single Man (2009)
If I haven't made it clear by now, I love a trailer that gives nothing away. And apparently I love a trailer that also looks like a Gucci ad, because I love this one.

3. The Man Who Wasn't There (2001)
As I mentioned in the last post, this is a prime example of a DVD I bought so I could watch the trailer again.


2. The Strangers (2008)
Showing this before any scary movie automatically ruined it. The actual movie wasn't even as this. I'm even more terrified when I listen to Joanna Newsom than I was previously.


1. Little Children (2006)
I've probably watched this 25 times since I started writing this list. Which was about two weeks ago. Yikes. There you have it folks.

YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: TRAILERS EDITION

If you've never spent a lazy, hungover Sunday watching movie trailers until the sun goes down, why you haven't lived. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I was most excited to get my first computer so that I could download quicktime trailers. I was most excited when DVDs started becoming popular so that I could watch the theatrical trailers included in the special features section. So yeah, I take this shit seriously. It has to hold my interest, be well edited, not give too much away, and keep the deep throated voice overs to a minimum. Not so for the In Bruges trailer, which made Martin McDonagh's wonderful, dark and poignant film seem like a Colin Farrell/midget buddy comedy from the minds that brought you American Pie 8: Sperm Bucket or whatever chum they're spewing these days. I digress. The following are GOOD trailers. Good ones. Promise.

16. Where the Wild Things Are (2009)
So it turned out to be pretty "meh" (or...so I've heard), but every twenty-something I know that grew up with their dad reading this every night before bed shed a little tear with the Arcade Fire lyric "If the children don't grow up/Our bodies get bigger, our hearts town up" playing over the Maurice Sendack's familiar imagery. Any preview that can begin with James Gandolfini's voice saying "I didn't want to wake you up, but I really want to show you something" and me not running out of the theater in tears is a winner in my book. CRY AT THE WILD THINGS! CRY I SAY!

15. Unbreakable (2000)
Ooohhh M. Night Shamalamadingdong. So pretentious that even this trailer, which at the time was just an omnibus, foreboding, curiosity inducing two minutes, not seems overbearing and cliched. But let's imagine for a minute that he didn't pull the same bullshit with The Village and Marky Mark Presents: Trees Are the Worst, and enjoy how clever this preview is that really redefines the word "teaser."

14. Sexy Beast (2000)
"You're just going to have to turn this opportunity yes."

13. Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (2003)
Remember being in the movie theater with all your friends and knowing, just KNOWING that this movie was gonna be totally sweet?

12. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (2003)
This is definitely the closest Michael Bay will ever get to a list I make of things that don't make me angry. Although this movie was...flawed...this trailer makes me want to see it again. I like the idea of freezing the action with some sort of...old timey...polaroid effect? With a sound that a cat makes? Still, without tearing it to pieces or anything, it's one of the more effective horror movie trailers out there.

11. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)


10. & 9.Broken Embraces (2009) & Volver (2006)
Someday I'll make my "Penelope Cruz Opening Doors In Almodovar Films" montage, but for now:
Volver trailer

Broken Embraces trailer

8. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Everything that I love about this movie is in the trailer. Especially Alec Baldwin's voice.

7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Like a Bjork video, but longer, and sadder. The trailer, on the other hand, is one of the happiest minute and a halfs you may ever watch.

Top six, in a very youtube embedding-heavy post...to come on Christmas Eve. Or if you're Jewish, tomorrow.

YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: ALBUMS EDITION

So I just said, "Fuck it, let's do it live." (Too many honorable mentions to honor)

16. The Futureheads - the Futureheads (679 Recordings, 2004)
The Futureheads' combination of Wire/Go4 energy with four part harmonies produced the best album of the mid-decade post-punk revival. It turns out that having a choice of which part to sing along to in an indie rock song really does make it a billion times (or so) better.

15. The Field - From Here We Go to Sublime (Kompakt, 2007)
The brief moments on this album on when it starts to kind of come apart, like 2:30 into "Everyday" are unforgettable. That's largely due to how hypnotic and beautiful the rest of it is.

14. Joanna Newsom - Ys (Drag City, 2006)
The Milk Eyed Mender is an amazing record full of great hooks and melodies, but the ambition of Ys and how amazingly it fulfills that ambition puts it on the list. Joanna is one of our most talented songwriters and the amount of humanity she instills in the woodland creatures on this album is astonishing.

13. Isolée - We Are Monster (Playhouse, 2005)
My favorite album to come out of minimal techno is We Are Monster, by German producer Rajko Müller. It does as good a job of creating its own vocabulary of sounds and rhythms and delicious little hooks as any other dance album I've heard this decade. It's like a Miyazaki film of a minimal album, all wonder and amazement but with sufficient darkness to keep it interesting.

12. Young Jeezy - the Recession (Def Jam, 2008)
I'd say Atlanta produced more great rap this decade than any other city, and I hold this record above Stankonia, Trap Music, Let's Get It, and all the other classic ATL full-lengths. Front to back, from the opening rumble of the title track (Jeezy brings enough rumble by himself, of course, but the beats on here, from some of the south's best, kill all the way through), through Cannon's unexpectedly soulful "Circulate", through the absolute anthem that is "Put On" and, finally, the right-on-time triumph of "My President", Jeezy brings his unique, gravely charisma and brings it hard. I'm not big on end-of-decade and end-of-year records having to represent America or the World at the time but, at the very least, this is the record that defines the 2nd half of this decade of rap for me.

11. Los Campesinos! - Hold On Now, Youngster... (Wichita Recordings, 2008)
At this point in my life, "four sweaty boys with guitars tell me nothing about my life" was a lyric that I would unquestionably love. That it came from a band so adept at writing hooks and other wonderful lyrics was a blessing.

10. Britney Spears - Blackout (Jive, 2007)
I shaved my head the same day Britney did. We all wanted this album to be great. And then it kind of came out of nowhere and it really was great, and looking back at it I didn't even realize back then how great it was. I still think "Toy Soldier" is a weak point, but besides that the writers and producers all play to Britney's strengths and bring their A-beats. It's as much a wonderful moment of redemption as it is an awesome pop record.

9. Taylor Swift - Fearless (Big Machine, 2008)
I absolutely love how universally loved Taylor has become in the last 12 months. She writes teen-pop better than anyone has in quite a long time. The much-lauded key change in "Love Story" makes me explode.

8. Ghostface Killah - Supreme Clientele (Epic, 2000)
A Supremely boring pick for rap record of the decade, I know, but I can't convince myself that Ghost doesn't deserve it. His solo debut Ironman is a great record, but on this one his surrealism, wordplay, alliteration, all of that is on another level. RZA and the Wu second-stringers come through with the beats here, but there's no doubt that Ghost is the star, just giving a bravura performance. The chorus to "Apollo Kids" is better than most rappers' whole life's work.

7. Beyoncé - B'Day (Deluxe Edition) (Columbia, 2007)
Some albums work thematically and flow well, some are just pop monsters. This is most definitely the latter. The Deluxe Edition's main upgrade over the original is the insertion of the Extended Mix of "Get Me Bodied", which adds a few minutes of instructed dance and is absolutely essential. But really, this record has "Beautiful Liar," "Irreplaceable," "Green Light," "Upgrade U," "Freakum Dress," and much more; it's unstoppable.

6. Lifter Puller - Fiestas and Fiascos (The Self Starter Foundation, 2000)
This album is the best thing I've ever heard or read as far as a description of partying hard and all the highs and lows that it entails. As much as I love the Hold Steady, and I really do, I don't think Craig Finn has quite scaled these heights for the whole length of an album again (though Separation Sunday is really, really close). The line "bruised hips from doing the bump too much" from the opening track is one of my favorite lyrics of the decade.

5. The Knife - Silent Shout (Rabid Records, 2006)
Deep Cuts was a very good album that contained one of the singles of the decade. The follow up is a glacial palace, an album full of basically pop-structured songs that takes the textures and rhythms of mid 00s dance music and creates something wonderful and new with them. After a hundred listens this album still sounds mysterious.

4. The-Dream - Love vs. Money (Radio Killa/Def Jam, 2009)
Forgetting for a second a few Kanye lines and the bonus tracky Lil' Jon collabo, it's hard to imagine a more perfect late 00s R&B album. Teaming with his in-house producers Los da Mystro and Tricky Stewart, Dream writes sex jams worthy of his hero R Kelly and throws in some beautiful angst to match. The key change in the bridge of "Mr. Yeah" is just-as-glorious, backwards counterpart to T-Swift's "Love Story".

3. Daft Punk - Discovery (Virgin, 2001)
In the style of an old-fashioned pop record, Discovery starts off with its four great singles and lord, are they great. The run from "One More Time", "Aerodynamic", "Digial Love", and "Harder, Beter, Faster, Faster Stronger" would, I imagine, explode most dancefloors around the world in a way that very few artists could even dream of accomplishing. The wonderful thing is that while the rest of the record might not be as huge in terms of pop, the elation after the first four songs gives you no choice but to keep dancing. And the rest of the record is HUGE in terms of dancing.

2. Boredoms - Vision Creation Newsun (Birdman, 2001)
VCN is the 00s record that sounds most like a force of nature, like galloping towards the ecstatic and sublime. Though much of the band's 90s outfit could safely be called Noise, even a genre as loosely coded as that seems too restrictive to describe this record with any degree of accuracy. It's a record to play loud over and over again and one that I can never get tired of discovering new things in.

1. Mclusky - Mclusky Do Dallas (Too Pure, 2002)
I began the decade jus starting to get into rock music and I finish it with rock music taking up as little of my new music listening as it has since in, well, about ten years. Still, Mclusky's second album is my favorite of the decade; clever, absurdist, funny, and abrasive in equal and great measure. Andy Falkous is amazing at instilling his barking nonsense with some sort of bizarre pathos, the best example being "The World Loves Us and Is Our Bitch", on which he rattles off phrases like "alcohol matters when you can't be free", "love is eternal 'til it isn't anymore" and "ky ky std" with firm and crazy conviction. There is nothing on this album that doesn't kick ass.

(Perhaps that's not the most elegant way to wrap up the decade. Eat some caviar while reading this)

YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: REMIX EDITION (part 2)

8. Coyote - "Too Hard (Aeroplane Remix)" (Is It Balearic? Recordings, 2007)
Aeroplane were unbelievably on fire in 2007 and 2008, and this is my favorite of their wonderful string of remixes and singles. It starts off as a nice little balearic disco track, and then suddenly shifts, with a sublime new riff at around 2'47 that happens to be one of the prettiest moments of the decade. From there it's off to the beach at sunrise and away with any sense of worry or dread you may have.

7. M83 - "Teen Angst (Luciano Remix)" (Goom, 2005)
Luciano's remix of M83s thoroughly maximalist "Teen Angst" starts off with a fading memory of that tracks adrenaline-fueled whir, and quickly forgets it in favor of some very Luciano sounding drums that are soon joined by M83's vocals. The next 6 minutes are quite pretty, as Luciano subtly plays with the drums while letting the vocals run their course, and then the reverbed strings come in and things get a touch sublime. Then the strings disappear again, and the drums switch up and finally, after eight minutes, seem to get a little more in touch with the vocals. It's a beautiful journey.

6. Rubies - "Room Without a Key (Version by Studio)" (Tellé, 2008)
Containing certainly the oddest time signature on the list (I count it as either four measures of 3/4 + one of 2/4 or just straight up 14/4), Studio's version "Room Without a Key" by California band Rubies is 9 minutes of gentle riffs varied and layered on top of gentle percussion. It shimmers in a somewhat self-aware way, but that doesn't stop it from sounding light sunlight peeking through your window shades as you wake up at the exactly perfect place and time.

5. Rufus Wainwright - "Tiergarten (Supermayer Remix)" (Polydor, 2007)
Superpitcher and Michael Mayer first take Rufus' "Tiergarten" and make it a glacially perfect ballad and only then, two and a half minutes in, do they give away that this is a dance remix. This is the Kompakt style, clean, anthemic, melodically interesting, at its very best. And fuck it, because it was only ever a white label and you're not going to be able to get the full 13 minute experience on YouTube, here's a download link at Mediafire.

4. Delia Gonzales & Gavin Rossum - "Relevee (Carl Craig Remix)" (DFA, 2006)
I've written about this one here rather recently, and I stand by that short blurb. It's just super amazing. It's the soundtrack to the best movie John Carpenter never directed. It's the most purposeful, glee-filled robot with a knowledge of the history of techno. I'll stop now.

3. Pär Grindvik - "Do Us Part (Len Faki Remix)" (Drumcode, 2007)
Released to relatively little critical fanfare at the end of 2007, Len Faki's remix of "Do Us Part" is one of my favorite techno tracks of the decade. It has a one beat bassline, it doesn't have any particularly big, hands-in-the-air type breakdowns or build up, yet it works perfectly for me as a pure dance monster, in the right mood, this destroys me.

2. Gwen Stefani - "What You Waiting For (Jacques Lu Cont Thin White Duke Mix)" (Interscope, 2004)
There were a few years in the mid-00s when everything Stuart Price (aka Jacques Lu Cont aka Thin White Duke) touched turned to gold. This mix of Gwen Stefani's "What You Waiting For" adds what might be the most perfect synth line of the decade to an already great song and transforms a heart-pounder in to a melancholic epic.

1. Paleface ft. Kyla - "Do You Mind (Crazy Cousinz Remix)" (Maximum Bass, 2008)
This is that song that (through this ILM thread) introduced me to one of my main late 00s obsessions, funky house, so it holds a very special place in my heart. I'm not sure if I even have the origins of this track 100% correct, but I guess it's a remix of a bassline track by Paleface (who is actually one half of Crazy Cousinz). I had to do some searching to find even a clip of the original. Anyways, the original seems to me completely irrelevant in the face of this beautiful, sexy, poppy, Soca-drenched, and most of all incredibly fun Crazy Cousinz mix. It's as good a representation as any of what I love about music at the end of the 00s, so it gets the number one spot (this is the version you want to listen to on Youtube).

Any ideas for what countdowns we should to do next?

YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: REMIX EDITION (part 1)

The so-called remix culture of the last half decade has, I'm sure, brought a lot of people into dance music through remixes of their favorite pop or indie artists. With the availability of new, easy to obtain software and a million mp3 blogs, anyone can cut up their favorite track with a club beat or a different instrumental and have a dance-floor banger ready to go. But, this democratization of dance, as wonderful in theory as anything that allows more people access to creativity and active participation, has also created a lot of incredibly cheap and half-assed sounding music. So this list is free of bootlegs, not because I am elitist enough to think that that process cannot create good music, but because to my ears there were simply a whole lot of "professionals" doing this shit a lot better.

I specified Dance remixes because Rap remixes are a whole different thing unto themselves (as are R. Kelly remixes), so maybe we'll get back to those later. But for now, on we go with my favorite house, techno, electro, and disco versions of the decade, starting off, of course, with me cheating by throwing down some honorable mentions.

Honorable Mentions (alpha by remixer):
- Aeroplane's mixes of Friendly Fires' "Paris" and Grace Jones' "Williams Blood"
- Ame's remix of Etienne Jaumet "Repeat After Me", hypnotic 3/4 techno
- Carl Craig's mixes of "Part of Me" by Ayumi Hamasaki, Faze Action's "In the Trees," and Francesco Tristano's "the Melody"
- the famous DFA remix of Le Tigre's "Deceptacon"
- DJ Koze's off-beat remix of Matthew Dear's "Elementary Lover"
- Ink & Needle's futuristic remix of Amox and Atle's "A Witch Kiss"
- the Joakim Italo Dub of "Budapest" by Poni Hoax
- the M.A.N.D.Y. vs. Booka Shade version of Laurie Anderson's classic "O Superman"
- Martyn's house-influenced dubstep remix of "Seven" by Fever Ray
- Kris Menace's French House take on Roisin Murphy's "Overpowered"
- Theo Parrish's gauzy, kick-less remix of Jill Scott's "Slowly Surely"
- Radio Slave's merciless remix of "Deer in the Headlights" by Chelonis R. Jones
- Tobias Thomas and Michael Mayer's remix of Ada's cover of "Maps"

16. the Whitest Boy Alive - "Golden Cage (Fred Falke Remix)" (Modular, 2008)
Arguably less heralded than his partner Alan Braxe, never mind the holy robots, Fred Falke released by favorite remix by a French House mainstay this decade. He turns Erland Oye and co's bedroom funk song "Golden Cage" into an epic of yearning. This is just on the right side of maudlin, dipping its toe in to that pool more than occasionally.

15. Kylie Minogue - "Come Into My World (Fischerspooner Remix)" (Parlophone, 2002)
I was late enough to dance music to miss both Electroclash and most of its backlash, but this is certainly the best thing I've heard from Fischerspooner. But that somewhat cheap sounding bass line is somehow perfect to offset that lushness that is as much a part of Kylie's persona as her music from around this time.

14. the Knife - "We Share Our Mother's Health (Trentemøller Remix)" (Rabid Records, 2006)
I always seem to forget how great this is when I'm not listening to it. And then it comes on, and wow. The beat to this one is fairly straight ahead, but all the minor syncopation Trentemøller throws in on the hi-hats and toms is great fun. And then the handclap assisted breakdown comes in and that is just mindblowingly great.

13. LCD Soundsystem - "Tribulations (Lindstrøm Mix)" (DFA/EMI, 2005)
Lindstrøm's "Tribulations" remix is a great example of the man's gift at going out towards space while still sounding organic and loose. There seem to be two basslines working together, a big funky one providing the main riff and robotic, super-repetitive one holding things steady (and coming to the fore during the repetition of the titular lyric). Like most of Lindstrøm's best work, this one is constantly evolving, moving, and fun.

12. Cortney Tidwell - "Don't the Stars Keep Us Tangled Up (Ewan's Objects in Space Mix)" (2006)
Ewan Pearson takes Cortney Tidwell's soft, lovely voice and takes in on a blissful ride for just short of 12 minutes. This could hardly be any more lush. About seven minutes in this comes to a head with these shimmering, overpowering synths that almost match Cortney's voice for loveliness, until her cooing comes in after the beat comes back and puts any doubt to rest.

11. Jose James - "Desire (Moodymann Remix)" (Brownwood Recordings, 2008)
This is a house torch song, and one of the most beautiful things I've heard this year. It's a late night heartbreaker, this one. Moodymann's drums, as well as the space without them, are sublime. This is a track that breathes, and not just because of its breathy vocals.

10. Shackleton - "Blood On My Hands (Ricardo Villalobos Apocalypso Now Mix)" (Skull Disco, 2007)
Like many Villalobos tracks, this takes its sweet time (18 minutes to be exact) and is dark as night. It's also kind of a masterpiece, and one of the first great meeting points between dubstep and minimal techno. It's kind of one of those things you have to experience, extremely detailed and rewarding to the patient while being quite moving at the same time

9. Nathan Fake - "The Sky Was Pink (James Holden Remix)" (Border Community, 2004)
A monster of atmosphere, an amazing example of the potential of techno to be unsettling and at the same time make you want to dance as hard as you ever have before. Holden takes Fake's original, a cool track but not a dancefloor banger, and pushes all the right buttons to make it a classic.

Part two coming soon with more beats, long tracks, syncopation, and sublime moments of beauty.

YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: REALITY EDITION (pt. 2)

Continuing forth to victory, the long (almost 24 hours) awaited second half of this historic countdown.



8. Christian Siriano (Project Runway: Season 4)
He was fairly entertaining and bitchy, but Christian makes the list less for introducing the phrase "hot tranny mess" to Middle America and more for being one of the most dominant characters ever to appear in a Competition Reality Show. Christian may have only won three challenges, but it became very apparent just before midseason that he was going to win the competition and neither the drapery dude nor the retro girl was going to have a shot at beating him. He is also working hard to uphold the illusion that success on these shows actually leads to success in real life, by seemingly being quite successful.

7. Padma Lakshmi (Top Chef)
I've had arguments about whether Padma brings anything more than her considerable beauty to Top Chef and I've always maintained that she is key to the show. Colicchio is wonderful too, of course, as the well-respected professional and adviser, but Padma's mystery (by which I mean not her exotic-ness or otherness or anything, but rather her aloofness, the way you can't tell what she's thinking until she really loves or hates a dish) (and the scar doesn't hurt either) makes her that much more devastating. Of course the considerable beauty doesn't hurt.

6. Whitney Port (the Hills, the City)
I'll be the first to say that the City, though improving in its second season, isn't that great. But we should have seen that coming, and not just because of the success ratio of spin-offs in general. Whitney's role on the Hills, the role for which she gets this #6 spot, was as a device. It would be boring if Lauren had to narrate her thoughts for the whole show, so Whitney was there to ask Lauren questions about how last night went and what her feelings were about it. Of course, Whitney outperformed expectations, and while it wasn't surprising that Lauren's recollections of something we saw before the commercial break weren't that interesting, it was still amazing how great and entertaining Whitney's reactions to them were. We still get the occasional Whitney Face on the City, but Whitney does seem to be a performer who was amazing in one niche and doesn't quite work in a larger role. Still, we salute her.


5. Justin Bobby (the Hills)
He's the greatest role Keanu Reeves never got to play. Justin entered the Hills as the perfect companion and foil to Audrina's po-faced vapidness, with an altogether different, more artistic vapidness. Like Audrina, Justin barely ever says anything of importance, but while she might be the most boring TV character ever, Justin's nothings are such brilliantly affected and audacious pieces of bullshit that he almost becomes interesting. Even his silences (and there are a lot of those, this being the Hills are entertaining for how purposeful and self-aware they seem. His bravura performance comes about 15 minutes into this episode, in which he utters one of the most brilliantly meaningless statements ever on television, "truth and time tells all." Indeed.

4. Janice Dickinson (like ten shows, but ANTM and Finland's Next Top Model most importantly)

This is too good not to be embedded. Janice spent most of this decade being loud, obnoxious, and altogether amazing (her replacement by Twiggy on ANTM was one of the biggest steps down ever), and it all came to a wonderful climax when she hosted Finland's Next Top Model. Just watch the above, possibly the best clip of television ever in the world.

3.Real (I Love New York, I Love Money, Real Chance of Love)
His brother Chance might get drunk and piss off the side of cliffs more, but Real makes #3 on our list for his mouth, by which I mean not what he says, but the things his mouth does when he says them. He stretches his tongue, he shows his gums, he flexes his lower lip. You really need to see the show to see what I mean, but the man makes sounds that I cannot recreate while making the same movements that he is making with his mouth and tongue. And it doesn't look like lip syncing of anything, it just looks crazy. It's uncanny.

2. Tim Gunn (Project Runway, Tim Gunn's Guide to Style)
Tim Gunn's appeal isn't hard to explain. He is supremely likable, and probably the TV character, reality or otherwise, that most of us most need in our lives. He's a father figure, a teacher, an example, and a friend. He gets catchphrasey without losing a bit of his humanity, and he actually delivers constructive criticism. He can take joke. Even in a shitty season of Runway (this one), I am thankful that he is on my TV.

1. Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Model, the Tyra Banks Show)
Even if you discount Tyra the show because it's a talk show and not a straight reality show per se, Miss Banks would still walk this countdown based on ANTM alone. From the first time Tyra told a fledgling model to "smile with her eyes," she has been the foremost giver of incomprehensible advice on all of television. Her many faces, which Rich fourfour Juzwiak has devoted what must at least be a Tyra's forehead-sized chunk (we kid because we love) of his life to chronicling, keep us awake at night (with joy). If there's one person we'd want to give us advice when we need it it's Tim Gunn. If there's one person we want to hang around with all day because it would probably an amazing time it's definitely Tyra. She makes as much of a difference in our lives as she thinks she's making. Which is a lot.

YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: REALITY EDITION (pt. 1)

This was an amazing decade for television. It featured an amazing run of hour long dramas (the Wire, the Sopranos, Mad Men, Lost, L&O: Criminal Intent) that were eons ahead of the best the 90s had to offer and reawakened its funny bone a few years in with gems like Undeclared, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the Office (UK and US), Parks and Recreation (which has gotten amazing this season), the Venture Brothers, and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

But a large part of this decade's narrative will undoubtedly be written about the decade that reality TV took over in a cynical attempt by the networks to cut costs, put actors out of work, and turn our brains to mush. Whatever. While reality television may not have the brilliant acting and sophisticated plotting of Party of Five or the Nanny, they have developed their own set of conventions, characterizations, and narrative devices. It's been amazing, enlightening, and batshit crazy, and I am honored to present Yes More Drama's Sweet Sixteen Reality Show Characters of the Decade.

16. Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey)
Teresa may not have consistently been the most entertaining Real Housewife, but she is responsible for one of my favorite catchphrases of the decade, and easily my favorite of the year so far. In an argument so intense Bravo took 4 episodes (the actual episode, a "Director's Cut" of the argument, and 2 reunions) to sum it up, Teresa famously uttered the best insult anyone has ever uttered, calling poor ex-something-or-other Danielle a "prostitution whore" before flipping a fucking table. Bravo.

15. Bret Michaels (Rock of Loves 1 thru Bus)
He has the finest European horse hair money can buy. Enough said.

14. Hayley Ray (Dr. 90210)
Sure, Robert Ray's blatant sleeveless flouting of health codes and martial artistry may be more central to the show, but if you combined the tragedy of all of his victims patients you still wouldn't come close to the sadness coming through the screen every time his poor, domineered wife is on the screen. She's probably the reality character you most want to (wrap in bubble wrap and then) give a hug and say everything is going to be all right (even though you know it isn't).

13. Flavor Flav (the Surreal Life, Strange Love, Flavors of Love)
I saw Public Enemy last year, and Flav said something about being the King of Reality TV and a few folks booed and I think I booed them. Flav's TV persona is no different from his PE persona, except instead of having Chuck D to play off of he has a house full of equally silly and much dumber people to frolic with. A pioneer in the field.

12. Daisy de la Hoya (Rock of Love 2, Daisy of Love)
I was tempted to include Riki Rachtman for his mountains of pathetic well-meaning but he just missed the cut and anyways, there would be no Riki (as a reality character) without Daisy's constant terrible decisions. She is the best though. Her "face" alone makes her inclusion necessary, a face seemingly designed to portray some exploded, carnivalesque version of what "cute" means, those permanent-pout lips, those huge eyes. When she cries, the world cries with her but sort of laughs too.

11. Cohutta Grindstaff (Real World: Sydney, RW/RR: the Island, RW/RR: the Ruins)
With apologies to the Miz (a Real World character whose life goal actually came through), C.T. (the supreme loud idiot of them all), Evan (a RW/RR: Fresh Meat entrant, wise-ass, and maybe the most effective overall player, in terms of a combination of plotting and physical aptitude), David ("dee-da-boo-dee-da-boo-dee"), the drunk Las Vegas shitheads, Hollywood Joey ("what you gonna do when the 12 steps run wild on you?"), and a legion of other idiots, Cohutta is our only Real World Universe rep. The RW/RR challenges have become much more interesting and fun to watch than the actual Real World, and we can only hope he keeps featuring in them. Cohutta is television's premier source of homespun wisdom and endlessly likable. His elimination of self-righteous idiot bully Wes (who dates Cohutta's ex-gf) on this season of The Runs was a special moment.

10. Kelly Cutrone (the Hills, the City)
Kelly is an essential and unique part of the Laguniverse (I really hope I just coined that) in that she, about a thousand times more than anyone else on those shows, acts like she's completely unaware of the show. Now, obviously she is aware of this and the show takes advantage of it, but the amount of Real Talk she lays down on the regular is astounding considering the show she's on. She is by far the best part of the City and brings so much fury that her walking into frame in a recent episode provoked an audible gasp from my viewing companions and I.

9. Spencer Pratt (the Princes of Malibu, the Hills, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here)
This renowned drinker of "whatever is better than Patron" is basically an undergraduate course in postmodernist narrative unto himself and/or an idiot. He is as great at being a cartoon villain as he is about talking about being a cartoon villain (see his starring performance on I'm a Celebrity or well, don't see too much of it, that show mostly sucked except for Spencer, LDP, and Patty Blago). He is the opposite of Kelly Cutrone in that he exposes the business at every turn. And now he has a silly cowboy hat.

Whew. Stay tuned for the top 8 soon.

YMD's Super Sweet Sixteen: HORROR EDITION

So it's the end of the year, and that means lists. And if you haven't noticed, we're also moving into a new decade which means even more lists. And we're not gonna do some bullshit "TOP THOUSAND MOVIES EVER MADE" bullshit, because in addition to that being beyond retarded, we also don't like those squeaky clean numbers. Oh, you're going to do a Top 100 Movies of the Noughties (cute) London Times Online? Well fuck you, you included Crash. Our answer to that nonsense? Many lists of 16. The 16 Best Reality TV Characters of the Decade, 16 Documentaries, 16 Action Movies, 16 Albums, and the like. We're kicking this list BONANZA off with the Top 16 Horror Films of the Decade. There were a lot to choose from and sadly, I had to leave some of my favorites out. Sorry House of Wax, you may have impaled Paris in her lacy underpants, but you didn't make the cut.

16. House of the Devil - dir. Ti West, 2009
This teeny tiny sleeper (does it count as a sleeper if it's still sleeping) that came out a few weeks ago absolutely deserves a spot on this list. Babysitting, Satanic Cults, filmed on Super 8, 80s music. In the way that Far From Heaven perfectly replicated the 1950s melodrama genre, House of the Devil is so over the top copycat of movies like Prom Night and Stepfather that it puts those two films' remakes to shame. I really hope someone else besides me and Maciej would see this movie (and soon) so we could have someone else to talk to about it with.

15. Frailty - dir. Bill Paxton, 2001
File under: movies whose twists have actually shocked me and weren't preposterous. Also might be filed under: movies involving Matthew McConaughey that don't make me want to pick up an axe and recreate some of the scenes in Frailty

14. Slither - dir. James Gunn, 2006
ATTENTION PRODUCERS OF MOVIES, PLEASE PUT JENNA FISCHER IN MORE MOVIES. THAT IS ALL.


13. Session 9 - dir. Brad Anderson, 2001
Pre-CSI David Caruso as asbestos remover in abandoned Massachusetts insane asylum. I think this movie was probably made for under $10 (again, eat shit and die Parashitty Actsuckity) but very possibly frightened me more than any other movie on this list. Driector Brad Anderson went on to later make The Machinist and Transsiberian which blurred the lines between drama, thriller and horror pretty well in my book. Do yourself a favor and Netflix this movie you've never heard of, and then give me credit when you can't sleep.

12. Vacancy - dir. Nimród Antal, 2007
This movie (which I initially thought I was going to hate) had me so terrified of the black stain on my motel room ceiling in central Pennsylvania last month that I was almost certain the nice Indian family running the place was going to make me into a snuff film.

Before you judge me, this was from like 6:30 in the morning, OK? Wasn't looking my best.

11. The Host - dir. Joon-ho Bong, 2006
Monsters in the sewer+Korean social commentary on pandemics=#11 on this list.

10. Cabin Fever - dir. Eli Roth, 2002
Another in the horror-com genre on this list, although Maciej so astutely points out that this one includes director Eli Roth's precious social "sub"-text. Also it includes the grossest sex scene ever filmed. Or thought of. God, Eli. Ew.

9. House of 1000 Corpses - dir. Rob Zombie, 2003
Here's what Rob Zombie is good at: making a horror movie that is yes, very very campy, but also so startlingly gruesome and gritty that it makes you feel bad for ever thinking that violence is fun to watch. He's also good at writing and recording the song "Dragula."

8. The Devil's Backbone - dir. Guillermo del Toro, 2001
There's del Toro, and there's Almodovar. Aaaand then they make a movie together. Done.

7. Inland Empire - dir. David Lynch, 2006
Maybe this is stretching the limits of what one might call a horror movie but have you seen this movie? HAVE YOU? The sounds in this movie are more horrifying than anything the Saw franchise could even dream up. And they thought up someone getting steamed to death people, think about THAT. Also, there's this:


6. The Descent - dir. Neil Marshall, 2005
I have never been so scarred by a second viewing of a movie. Word to the wise, the DVD ending is so hopeless it may leave you clutching yourself and rocking back and forth.

5. Let the Right One In - dir. Tomas Alfredson, 2008
There are two movies in which dubbing the voice of a little girl have worked and the other one is The Exorcist (Mercedes McCambridge ftw). Also, I could talk about the lighting in this movie for hours. I have. In a lighting class.

4. Three...Extremes - dirs. Fruit Chan, Takashi Miike & Chan-wook Park, 2004
This documentary about how Bai Ling stays young on the flesh of aborted fetuses really gets to you. She's fucked up.

3. Martyrs - dir. Pascal Laugier, 2008
As an avid fan of this blog, I read about a lot of movies that sound awesome...and then never come out in the US (STILL waiting for that Kerri Russell cannibal movie). This film and the following one I waited for for almost a year to be released on Region 1 DVD. This was the ultimate payoff. A confusing, if not frustrating explanation of the plot in the final 15 minutes? Yes. But the buildup is so impressively creative and terrifying it negates the curious ending.

2. Inside - dirs. Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury, 2007
A woman gets chased around for two hours while a maniacal woman in a black gown tries to give her a C-section with various kitchen appliances. You'd want to see that movie right? You should.

1. The Hills Have Eyes - dir. Alexandre Aja, 2006
I was sick on my 22nd birthday. Like tonsillitis, fucked up on steroids, at home in Connecticut and miserable sick. So my mom, in her infinite kindness, suggested I leave my couch and go to the movies with her. "We can go see anything you want," said Donna. "OK, take me to see a horror movie," I replied. Then we spent a couple of hours in a theater watching the most unpleasant movie either of us had ever seen. By the time that dude who played Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs got burned alive on a stake while his family watched, we had realized this. I made my mother sit through mutant rape. I still feel kinda bad about that. But this was by far, the best horror movie of the last decade.