5 People Who Are Having Worse Days Than Mine

So it's nearly 4pm. I've been at work for about 20 minutes now, and all because some dumb hiptard stole all my laundry. All of my dress shirts, two pairs of pants, underwear and socks. So keep your eyes peeled for someone wearing skinny jeans and a Joseph A. Banks shirt, or perhaps, my entire wardrobe being sold for $3.50 at Beacon's Closet. Seriously. Fuck. These. People.
But hey, it could be worse, right? As two people here have already pointed out, I could have cancer. Instead of actually dignifying that thought with a response, I think my day is currently going better than these five:

5. Trouble the Dog

When "Queen of Mean" socialite and noted bitch Leona Helmsley died last August at the age of 87, she left $12 million (the better part of her fortune), to a small poodle named Trouble. The dog currently resides in Florida in the hands of the manager of the Helmsley Sandcastle Hotel, where (according to her caretaker, Carl Lekic) her expenses are sizable. "Lekic put Trouble’s annual expenses at $190,000, which includes Lekic’s $60,000 guardian fee, $100,000 for ’round-the-clock security, $8,000 for grooming, $3,000 for miscellaneous expenses, $1,200 for food and anywhere from $2,500 to $18,000 for medical care." (Source)
But now the New York State Attorney General has decided that Helmsley was not in a "fit mental state" when she made her will, and has reduced Trouble's trust fund from $12 million to a shockingly meager two million dollars. The extra $10m? It's going to Helmsley's disinherited grandchildren! Psh! Fuck that noise. If any of you fuckers try and take away Yeti's $4.37 inheritance when I'm dead, prepare to be haunted.

4. Amy Winehouse

She fainted. Aw.
Says her rep: "Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests." THEY HAVE NO IDEA. And people say England's health care system is better than ours. I call bullshit.

3. Chaka Khan

Because she morphed into a boa constrictor and ate Aretha Franklin.

2. Betty "Social Security Reaper" Neumar

This 76-year-old bag of secrets is currently being re investigated for the 1986 murder of her husband, Harold Gentry. 22 years ago, police in Stanly County, North Carolina got a tip that Neumar had put a hit out on her husband. They ignored it. Turns out, the biddy's been married five times since the 1950s, and each time, her husband has mysteriously died. I say, good job knocking off hubbies for nearly 60 years without getting caught. (Source)

1. Jennifer Aniston

Because even if I have to go to work naked for the rest of my life, at least I am not the sad, sad sack, of one Jen Aniston. Because when TMZ has headlines like "John Mayer: Hasn't Dumped Aniston Yet," is life really worth living?

I'm out.