TRUCKER WARS: Ashton vs. JT

The stars, pictured sans hats.

Ashton Kutcher: Ruiner of television, fucker of moms, liar.
Justin Timberlake: Dancer of dances, maker of music, defender of truth.

Ashton, in addition to being the worlds biggest tool (except for sometimes when the moon is full and I totally secretly think he's funny which I'm just kidding, that totally never happens), is going around telling everyone that he was responsible for the terror that was the trucker hat craze of 2003. Yes ladies and gentlemen, he wants to claim responsibility for the army of Von Douches that I experienced during my freshman year at Fordham. But hold up, JT - what have you got to say about all this? You used to wear trucker hats too! Along with 75% of American broheims! The 27-year-old singer/actor/dancer/Britney Spears destroyer told Fashion Rocks (which is part of Vanity Fair...how again?), “It’s funny, I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible for trucker caps.” He continued by saying that he and his best friend Trace Ayala “were wearing them when we were seventeen.” OMG J, ten years ago?! FASHION. ICON. Feed us wisdom God of Garments! "We kind of just never cared [about fashion]...we kind of still don't."

He laughs at your silly peasant questions! HAHAHAHAHA.We worship you Justin! Just never host a sports award show again. OK? No really. I'm not fucking with you. GOT IT?! OK.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

295. Husker Du - "Eight Miles High" (SST, 1984)

Look, I have nothing against the Byrds, they were a perfectly fine band. And, anyways, the purpose of a cover isn't necessarily to outdo the original, but to provide a different interpretation. But goddamn if this version of "Eight Miles High" doesn't blow the Byrds' version (which finished a perfectly respectable 8,221st in our rankings) out of the water. The Huskers' cover is so intense I've had to replace my face with a non-melted one twice already while writing this post. And I'm sitting in an air-conditioned coffee shop.

Yap that fool

296. M.O.P. - "Ante Up" (Loud Records, 2000)

M.O.P. had a lot of classic, amped waaaay up hood jams in the 90s, but I think this turn-of-the-millennium banger is the bestest. I swear it has made my almost-suburban ass briefly entertain notions of a new life yappin' fools and snatching chains on several occasions, but mostly it just makes me want to jump around and yell and smile then put it on repeat. According to our scientists this song has by far the most "gully" content of any song we tested (which was, to obtain the proper sample size, every song ever recorded).



Bonus:

SEPTEMBER FIRST

Followed by 90210 Next Gen on September 2nd.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Bai Ling: An Ode

Readers of Go Fug Yourself know Bai Ling from her strange fashion choices. For those of you who don't know who she is, she had her eyes pecked in The Crow, she discovered the fountain of youth in fetus dumplings in 3 Extremes, and she banged Jack in a few flashbacks on Lost.
Here she is:


And now she's co-starring in Crank 2: High Voltage, the sequel to the 2006 Jason Statham film about a man blowing things up, shooting people, and getting laid in the middle of a crowded Chinatown street - just to stay alive. Besides that, however, she's not particularly relevant at the moment. Except for the fact that I just discovered her blog. With all posts written from her BlackBerry in broken English, Bai's blog is far more entertaining any of the things I've previously mentioned. Take this post for example (click for larger):



Part of me thinks she's just a hilarious idiot, but another part thinks that in five years we'll all be dead by her hand.

I AM TOO OLD TO CARE ABOUT THIS

JKLOL. I totally care. And I'm hip, I totally just got AIM for my iPhone, clearly I'm 13. So I was browsing the internet earlier, and came across a video of Miley Cyrus (she's that slut in the bedsheet that Annie Lebowitz took that nice picture of!) and her friend Mandy Jiroux (no clue) parodying Selena Gomez (she's another Disney show) and her friend Demi Lovato (who as far as I can tell is...not? Famous?). There's something about it that's subtle, something in it that's innocent, and at the same time something in it that is really nasty, that keeps my attention. That, and Miley's voice is starting to sound a little bit like Lindsay's. Take a look at the two put together (it saves time, trust me):



Woah, right? It's biting, it's bitchy, it's like something out of Mean Girls. But it's not that bad. In a time where Ann Coulter calls John Edwards a faggot every time it's a slow news day and Charlie Sheen gets away with calling his ex-wife's dead mother a "fucking cunt," the video is fairly tame by our standards. It's a classic tale, told a thousand times before. Miley dates Nick Jonas, Jonas leaves her because she's "too wild," and he apparently, he's going to be a virgin forever, or something. Then enters Selena, out of no where. She's young, she's got a popular Disney show about a girl leading a double life (in The Wizards of Waverly Place she plays a teen trying to hide her magic powers from her friends and family). She's younger, fresher, she looks like the Gerber baby in a goddamned wig for chrissakes. She's a lot less worldly than Miley, and a lot less spent in many ways. The Jonas has a flirtation with her (his rep says they're "just friends," you know like that cute Lindsay and her roomate Sam), and Miley goes wild. She drinks, she takes racy myspace pictures, she has a little fun. Here's a little chart, so you can keep track of their faces. Does it look a little familiar (click through for larger size)?



This has happened before, only there weren't shower pictures as a companion to the high school drama. Remember Aaroncartergate '02? He dated Lindsay Lohan for a period of time before leaving her for her best friend Hilary Duff, reportedly because had a cleaner image. After Lindsay left Hilary threatening and hateful messages on her voicemail, Duff responded in her song "Haters": You’re the queen of superficiality/Keep your lies out of my reality/You say your boyfriend’s sweet and kind/But you’ve still got your eyes on mine. And in case you forgot what that all looked like in 2002, click on the picture below:



And we all know how that one turned out. Sorry Miley. If the scenario repeats itself, you'll always be more fun to read about, but you'll be a sad, washed up lesbian, making 120 grand per movie. You can't help it. It's your destiny.

The night after the night I got drunk at Eraserhead

297. The Art of Noise - "Moments in Love" (ZTT, 1985)

So the homeboy Kevin was nice enough to drive us back from the bar last night, and we're chillin in the car, listening (I'm pretty sure) to WGCI, Chicago's home for hip-hop and R&B, and suddenly, this song starts playing, in all of its very English, spooky, new-age-y weirdness.

I don't think it was a dream, but I'll have to check with Kevin and Nick later. Even stranger that I got home and what else was awaiting me but a voice mail from the YMD scientists, declaring "Moments in Love" our 297th best song (and, as Matt points out, #1 best video) ever. Trevor Horn, you rapscallion.

LILO MAULED ON LES

This just in:

Lindsay Lohan was out partying with rumored/confirmed current/possibly ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson in New York City (Note: WHY AREN'T WE STALKING HER?) last night, and ran into some trouble. Well, trouble actually ran smack into her. And by trouble, I mean a MOTORCYCLE. Yes, our dear Lilo was mowed down by a man on a Harley by a club on 32nd street (Marquee? Really Lilo?) and was taken to Beth Israel Hospital and released at 4:00am. Luckily, says sperm donor Michael Lohan, the 22-year-old actress is doing just fine, and was only treated for minor injuries. When she was ran over by the vehicle, "sapphic sidekick" (god bless the NY Post) was next to her, and witnessed the entire incident.

This is Lindsay's first time being hit by a motorized vehicle, as opposed to the last few times, when she has hit various objects (Charlotte Ronson, a paparazzi, and a tree), one time while wearing a stranger's pants filled with cocaine.

No word on whether or not Lohan plans on pressing charges.

I leave you with this:

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

298. Mariah Carey - "Shake It Off" (Island Def Jam, 2005)

There was a time when I was younger and dumber and Mariah's high pitched vocal blasts (cannonization! ha!) irritated me to no end. "Shrill!" I would say, "Annoying!"

I realized, of course, that Mariah's voice, like a good fireworks display, the oft-used comparison for her singing, was something to be in awe of. She's the chief banshee of the last 20 years, devastating everything in her path with that billion octave range.

But this is not that Mariah. This is Mariah using those high notes like the most improbably, fluffiest pillows in all of R&B. This is music to cure hangovers, aural VW Revive and shit.

I Tried To Believe. Real Hard.

But I can't, man. It's too hard. I may never believe in anything again. I'm even having a hard time remembering a time when I believed. I started to forget if The X-Files was ever good. 27% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes? Come on, Chris Carter. You led an army of nerds for like, nine years. You can't spend some time making a good follow up to years of nothing? No Mulder, no Scully, no Cigarette Smoking Man, no black otherworldly parasites, not even any Robert Patrick? I only looked at RT today, and was sorely disappointed. Depressed, even.

The Chicago Tribune: "The story is both a muddle and a drag..."

The New York Times: "Baggy, draggy, oddly timed and strangely off the mark..."

But then, I started to follow Fox's advice (listen, I am a gigantic nerd in this respect, so back off before you hate) and I looked a little bit closer. Manhola Dargis didn't like the film because she preferred the first one. OK Dargis, I know longer trust anything you have to say. A Washington Post review listed on RT as rotten said the film is "taut and well acted." Their complaints were that it was "too grown up" and lacks the show's "elaborately constructed conspiracy theories." OK, that's not the point of this movie, right? There wasn't a conspiracy theory in that episode about the West Virginian murderous inbred rednecks, and that was the BEST EPISODE EVER.



OK fine, it probably sucks. But all the negative reviews seem to say is that the movie isn't fun for people who weren't serious fans of the TV series. So the fuck what? Who cares about those people. I don't want to associate with them, nor do I care if they can follow the plot of I Want To Believe.

I think what I'm trying to say is that...I'm going to like this movie. Probably a lot. Please don't judge me, or at least have the decency to do it behind my back. God, I'm such a nerd.

And she knows I've used that line before

(I promise this thing won't make up the whole of our content, but I'm having fun with it now, so lemme go, the 2 1/2 of you who are reading this)


299. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - "Good Good Day" (b-side to "As I Sat Sadly By Her Side" single, Mute Records, 2001)

This b-side is my favorite song in Nick Cave's whole ouvre (Birthday Party, Bad Seeds, Grinderman, whatevs), and our studies (especially the animal testing portion), seem to prove me right. I have no clue how I first obtained it, God knows I'm not exactly a Cave completist. Anyways, it's a hard charging pop number, incredibly hopeful and buoyant, and not just compared to the usual Cave darkness.

Plus, there's "See her breasts how they rise and fall (it's a good good day today)/and she knows I've used that line before (it's a good good day today)," which is exactly the kind of intertextual shit I fall for every time. A little research sez "her breasts rise and fall" is from the old Bad Seeds song "Hard on For Love," but more important than the specific reference, to me, is the kind of sly admission. And I would probably love this song even if its lyrics were completely retarded.

I'm a Roller Too, Baby

300. Thin Lizzy - "The Rocker" (from the Vagabonds of the Western World LP, Deram 1973)

Thin Lizzy is one of the most killer rock bands ever and we all know this, right? This song has enough swagger to fill like 20 bottles of whiskey and 30 concert stages and then drink that whiskey, if you know what I mean. I think it might be the finest of many fine Thin Lizzy moments, and out charts and graphs agree.

You! Are My Shining Star

303. Tanya Stephens - "Need You Tonight" (Germaican Records, 2002)
302. Ce'Cile - "Rude Bwoy Thug Life" (Germaican Records, 2002)
301. TOK - "Shining Star" (Germaican Records, 2002)

Now, surely, our scientific analysis placed these three cuts so close on the list because they happen to share the same riddim. That would be the Cure Riddim, created by a German producer Tom, and you might notice that it is based on the Cure's "Close to Me," my favorite song by that band. Tanya Stephens' song is about effectively cheating and, much like the single version of "Close to Me," throws some horns into the mix and Ce'Cile has a killer "uh oh uh oh" hook in the chorus, but TOK steal it for me by jacking the chorus of the Manhattans' "Shining Star." All great summer joints for sure tho.

"Now I'm looking for the steel"

So I'm in Chicago for a bit, mostly to catch the annual Pitchfork Music Festivals. While the Saturday and Sunday headliners are a little disappointing this year (Animal Collective/Spoon vs. last year's Yoko Ono/De La Soul, and if you think I have it backwards then it's probably a dealbreaker), the first night was headlined by the mighty Public Enemy performing their ultra-super-classic It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.

It could not have been better.

We started with the Bomb Squad, the geniuses behind that albums production, doing a 20 minute warm up set, which they called "dub-bass," but was for all intents and purposes as dubstep set. It was so fun that I was worried the actual PE set couldn't top it. The bass felt so amazing. I could've been deaf and still felt great.

PE was even more amazing though. I could write thousands of words on it, but I'm a little drunk and tired so I won't. I will say, though, that Chuck D moves around the stage, shuffling, spinning, and running, more than any other rapper I've ever seen. This includes Flav, who was a wonderful foil. I love the Chuck/Flav relationship, because while Chuck definitely plays the responsible, politically (and otherwise) responsible one and Flav the clown, it isn't a typical straight man/funny man dynamic. Chuck smiles and runs and mugs as much as Flav does. "Speed", a word which Chuck used often, is so, so important to the Chuck and Flav aesthetic. Chuck uses it in a project of intelligent, righteous anger and Flav in a project of, more or less, aggressive silliness. But they both contribute to the overall PE project.

Which is why it bothered me when some people actually fucking booed when Flav thanked the crowd for making him #1 in Reality TV. Why? Do you really see anything incongruous in Flav's PE image and the type of shit he does on Flavor of Love? He acts like a clown, sure, but he always has, and I guess that might bother you if you think that clowns can't be important, but, well, that would be stupid, let's be serious.

The other thought I had, maybe an even more obvious one, is that, good God, is It Takes a Nation the perfect progressive/liberal/whatever record or what? And not because of the lyrical content itself, but because the beats are as outrageous and forward-thinking as the lyrics, hell, probably more-so. PE understood that the Bomb Squad's beats (faster, noisier, sharper, funkier) were integral to their message. That's why It Takes a Nation is utterly classic and hundreds of (Kweli, etc.) songs that look backwards instead of forwards are decent at best.

Back with more Pfork tomorrow, maybe drunker, maybe more sober, but definitely with more Jarvis.

Gloves of Death

So, the long awaited if not really at all promoted Season 5 premiere of Runway happened last night, and it's really too early to tell (though Bravo, in its ongoing attempt to kill the show before it gets to Lifetime, makes it slightly easier challenge and guest judge spoilers here). But it's maybe not a good sign that they've started the season off with an admitted retread of a season one challenge. There was a lot of mediocrity last night, a few good ones, and three or four absolute monstrosities.

Anyways, the professionals mostly have this covered, and I pretty much agree with them, but we have to talk a little further about The Gloves. The bottom two last night were possibly the two worst outfits ever on Runway, and though Jerry's was, indeed truly awful, the general consensus at McKibbs last nite was that he might have had a chance of sneaking by if not for The Gloves.


The design above is by Stella, who is at least part insane, and it is so bad that I actually briefly stopped feasting on the Brie and Grapes Snack Attack that Epps brought over for fear that I would choke. It is lazy, stupid, tasteless, and unbelievably ugly. This is what Jerry (rightfully) lost to. That is utterly embarrassing.


And I say rightfully because while the outfit, as hideous as it is (and this picture doesn't do justice to its hideousness), probably isn't actually worse than Stella's, the gloves are unforgivable. It's like he actually wanted to accent the nurse/janitor/serial killer thing for some reason. Peace out, b.

In other news, Tim Gunn was so much meaner than usual in the work room last night. It was awesome. And next episode he says "Holler at your boy" and something about a gay dinosaur. I'm so happy this show is back.

Why so stupid?

(I'm not even really gonna complain about Travers here, but whose face am I gonna do this with, David Edelstein's?)

David Denby in the New Yorker enthuses:

"...as you’re watching him, you can’t help wondering—in a response that admittedly lies outside film criticism—how badly he messed himself up in order to play the role this way. His performance is a heroic, unsettling final act: this young actor looked into the abyss.

David Edelstein in NY Magazine cries:

"I found the performance painful to watch. Scarier than what the Joker does to anyone onscreen is what Ledger must have been doing to himself—trying to find the center of a character without a dream of one." -David Edelstein, New York Magazine

...and so on, and so forth, and oh my God, the poor kid sacrificed himself for the role, which I know because I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of his tragically deceased mind. I know it is impossible to view this movie out of the context of Ledger's death. But there are intelligent ways of writing about it in that context, and then there is making stupid and baseless cause and effect connections.

I honestly don't think my brain can stand going on to the other main trope that seems to pervade the Dark Knight reviews printed so far, which is something like "OMG! Comic book movie serious?! Whaaaaa?!" 2008 folks, good times.

Thunderfuck, by Tila Tequila

Tila Tequila, who championed gay marriage laws in California last month, is making me laugh, yet again. Last week, she changed the face of reality television perhaps forever, when she picked someone to "take a shot at love" with her, and the bitch declined her. In case any of your forgot what that moment looked like, I've taken the time to find the clip on line, pinpoint the moment, take a screen shot, and upload it to flickr (GOD I love my day off):


In any event, that was time I laughed at Tila Tequila number one. Number two came today, in the form of a poem, which Ms. Tequila has been so kind to share with the world, via her myspace page:

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can’t wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy…..fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can’t deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace….but instead I’ll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming….I let you touch me….now that it’s over bitch….You better start running.
Pent up inside….telling these lies….this has gone too far…..the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile….brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Watermelons, MadgeKravRodgate, Olsen Drama, Taser Time & Ugly People

Only three more weeks in this hellhole, but today was pretty bad. It's "Staff Appreciation Week," so I got a duffel bag. Sweet. Amongst looking at pictures of Samantha Ronson sitting (but never, ever eating) with Lilo, and finding out Nicole Richie might be pregnant again based on her choice of shoe, I found these five people who are having worse days than I am:

5. People Who Don't Eat Watermelons

This could be true every single day, considering that watermelons are god's gift to hungover, or thirsty people who love delicious things, and if you don't like them, you're fucked up in the head. But apparently, they have similar effects to Viagra. That's right. It relaxes your blood vessels, and gives you boners. I, for one, fucking love watermelons. I'm just sayin's all.
[Source]

4. A-Rod? Madonna? Possibly everyone, including you and me.

I mean, obviously everyone in this situation is a loser, but I'm starting to lean in the direction of A-Rod being the biggest one. And not just because I'm a Red Sox fan. Maybe a little. Because you don't come back from fucking Madonna. His soon to be ex-wife's lawyer was quoted as saying that the adulterous duo's affair was "the last straw" in his marriage to Cynthia Rodriguez. "A-Rod may be an All-Star baseball player, but he's flunked the All-Star team as far as marriage is concerned." OH BURN. OH BURN INDEED. But Madonna's terrifying power dyke publicist Liz Rosenberg quips right back: "Madonna is in a studio rehearsing and I assume Mr. Rodriguez has some baseball games to play." OH SHIT! OH NO SHE DID NOT!
Are you gonna take that Cynthia Rodriguez's lawyer? I didn't think so! "Alex spent last weekend with Madonna. He has emotionally abandoned his wife and children and has left her with no choice but to divorce him." Rosenberg responded to TMZ, "To reiterate, Madonna has officially stated that she is not at all romantically involved with Alex Rodriguez. I would appreciate if your reporting would reflect that reality." To TMZ. She wants TMZ's reporting. To reflect reality.
No matter the outcome, they'll all find true happiness and go their own ways. Except for Guy Ritchie, who has been left alone, probably penniless, and completely untalented.
[Source]

3. MK

I know. How dare I. But it's true. US Weekly (beacon of ultimate truth) reports that Mary Kate and Ashley are "drifting apart." There are many reasons for this. MK likes to party, Ashley likes to attend "business meetings." MK likes to dress like a homeless lady, Ashley likes gowns! But the worst offense? Mary Kate was trying to be nice by getting her twin sis a triple latte (her favorite from Starbucks, but upon return to the apartment, Ashley "flipped out" and informed her sister that she "doesn't even drink triple lattes anymore, she only drinks one cup of tea a day."
O.
M.
F.
G.

2. Zachery Ty Bryan

(Note: ZTB has grown up since this photo, but not in my eyes.)
He's gone a long way from the pages of Tigerbeat (towards the end, the first half was reserved for Home Improvement co-star JTT, obvs). He is suing Choice Hotels International in San Diego over a claim that in April, THEY SHOT HIM WITH A TASER. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Yes, Bryan says that he and a few friends left the hotel to go buy Gatorade across the street. When he returned the hotel would not let him upstairs because the room was not in his name. When he calmly explained that his wife (note: LOLz) was upstairs, and it was in her name, an off-duty manager "came out of no where" and tasered him IN THE NECK.
[Source]

1.People Who Deserve Each Other

Humanity is unsafe once again, as Justin Long and Drew Barrymore have split up and are free to reproduce with the general populus once again. "They are still friends," her rep tells usmagazine.com. Only three months ago Barrymore told Vogue "My cheeks hurt, I'm so happy," and long told US that when he thinks of her "beauty and light [come to mind], and she shines it on everybody who comes into contact with her."
Drew's cheeks appear to still be swollen upon recent inspection, thus her problems may be larger than originally anticipated.

Gimme Danger

If I ever get insanely rich for some reason, my first insane spending spree will be on the production of an action movie. I won't direct it, I might write it, we'll see, but what I want is simple, a pure, 100% action movie, something that, at least as far as I know, has not been done (though is anyone can offer suggestions, please do!).

I got to thinking about this after watching Wanted and the longer cut of Tarantino's Death Proof in the last few days. Wanted is paced like a regular movie, lots of cool action sequences interspersed with exposition and characterization that, along with the voiceover, sounds like it was written by a 16-year old who did a pile of blow, watched Fight Club and the Matrix, and then just wrote, wrote, wrote. Death Proof is slightly different: a beginning with a lot of dialogue (the quality of which is a huge problem, but that's really beside the point here), an action scene, a middle part, more or less like the beginning, and then an 18 minute car chase finale.

The insanity of the action in Wanted and the length of the last chase in Death Proof (which, obviously, is not quite unique to Death Proof, but it's an example I've seen earlier today) hint, to me, at something that could be, at worst, and interesting formal exercise, and, at best, a triumph: the actually non-stop action movie: no build-up, all release (or, to look at it another way, a long series of releases).

Crank, approached this, of course, and built it into the plot, as Jason Statham's Chev Chelios could not stop doing insane stunts or his life, and the movie, would grind to a halt. It one upped Speed, but it can still be done better (faster, stronger), I think.

My question is this: if an action film were to wholly reject traditional ideas of pacing and exposition in favor on non-stop action, would most critics recognize that as an avant-garde move, or just dismiss it as trash? Am I just setting up a straw man? Holler.