Only three more weeks in this hellhole, but today was pretty bad. It's "Staff Appreciation Week," so I got a duffel bag. Sweet. Amongst looking at pictures of Samantha Ronson sitting (but never, ever eating) with Lilo, and finding out Nicole Richie might be pregnant again based on her choice of shoe, I found these five people who are having worse days than I am:
5. People Who Don't Eat Watermelons
This could be true every single day, considering that watermelons are god's gift to hungover, or thirsty people who love delicious things, and if you don't like them, you're fucked up in the head. But apparently, they have similar effects to Viagra. That's right. It relaxes your blood vessels, and gives you boners. I, for one, fucking love watermelons. I'm just sayin's all.
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4. A-Rod? Madonna? Possibly everyone, including you and me.
I mean, obviously everyone in this situation is a loser, but I'm starting to lean in the direction of A-Rod being the biggest one. And not just because I'm a Red Sox fan. Maybe a little. Because you don't come back from fucking Madonna. His soon to be ex-wife's lawyer was quoted as saying that the adulterous duo's affair was "the last straw" in his marriage to Cynthia Rodriguez. "A-Rod may be an All-Star baseball player, but he's flunked the All-Star team as far as marriage is concerned." OH BURN. OH BURN INDEED. But Madonna's
Are you gonna take that Cynthia Rodriguez's lawyer? I didn't think so! "Alex spent last weekend with Madonna. He has emotionally abandoned his wife and children and has left her with no choice but to divorce him." Rosenberg responded to TMZ, "To reiterate, Madonna has officially stated that she is not at all romantically involved with Alex Rodriguez. I would appreciate if your reporting would reflect that reality." To TMZ. She wants TMZ's reporting. To reflect reality.
No matter the outcome, they'll all find true happiness and go their own ways. Except for Guy Ritchie, who has been left alone, probably penniless, and completely untalented.
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3. MK
I know. How dare I. But it's true. US Weekly (beacon of ultimate truth) reports that Mary Kate and Ashley are "drifting apart." There are many reasons for this. MK likes to party, Ashley likes to attend "business meetings." MK likes to dress like a homeless lady, Ashley likes gowns! But the worst offense? Mary Kate was trying to be nice by getting her twin sis a triple latte (her favorite from Starbucks, but upon return to the apartment, Ashley "flipped out" and informed her sister that she "doesn't even drink triple lattes anymore, she only drinks one cup of tea a day."
O.
M.
F.
G.
2. Zachery Ty Bryan
(Note: ZTB has grown up since this photo, but not in my eyes.)
He's gone a long way from the pages of Tigerbeat (towards the end, the first half was reserved for Home Improvement co-star JTT, obvs). He is suing Choice Hotels International in San Diego over a claim that in April, THEY SHOT HIM WITH A TASER. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Yes, Bryan says that he and a few friends left the hotel to go buy Gatorade across the street. When he returned the hotel would not let him upstairs because the room was not in his name. When he calmly explained that his wife (note: LOLz) was upstairs, and it was in her name, an off-duty manager "came out of no where" and tasered him IN THE NECK.
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1.People Who Deserve Each Other
Humanity is unsafe once again, as Justin Long and Drew Barrymore have split up and are free to reproduce with the general populus once again. "They are still friends," her rep tells usmagazine.com. Only three months ago Barrymore told Vogue "My cheeks hurt, I'm so happy," and long told US that when he thinks of her "beauty and light [come to mind], and she shines it on everybody who comes into contact with her."
Drew's cheeks appear to still be swollen upon recent inspection, thus her problems may be larger than originally anticipated.
1 comment:
How does one "flunk [an] All-star team"?
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