I AM TOO OLD TO CARE ABOUT THIS

JKLOL. I totally care. And I'm hip, I totally just got AIM for my iPhone, clearly I'm 13. So I was browsing the internet earlier, and came across a video of Miley Cyrus (she's that slut in the bedsheet that Annie Lebowitz took that nice picture of!) and her friend Mandy Jiroux (no clue) parodying Selena Gomez (she's another Disney show) and her friend Demi Lovato (who as far as I can tell is...not? Famous?). There's something about it that's subtle, something in it that's innocent, and at the same time something in it that is really nasty, that keeps my attention. That, and Miley's voice is starting to sound a little bit like Lindsay's. Take a look at the two put together (it saves time, trust me):



Woah, right? It's biting, it's bitchy, it's like something out of Mean Girls. But it's not that bad. In a time where Ann Coulter calls John Edwards a faggot every time it's a slow news day and Charlie Sheen gets away with calling his ex-wife's dead mother a "fucking cunt," the video is fairly tame by our standards. It's a classic tale, told a thousand times before. Miley dates Nick Jonas, Jonas leaves her because she's "too wild," and he apparently, he's going to be a virgin forever, or something. Then enters Selena, out of no where. She's young, she's got a popular Disney show about a girl leading a double life (in The Wizards of Waverly Place she plays a teen trying to hide her magic powers from her friends and family). She's younger, fresher, she looks like the Gerber baby in a goddamned wig for chrissakes. She's a lot less worldly than Miley, and a lot less spent in many ways. The Jonas has a flirtation with her (his rep says they're "just friends," you know like that cute Lindsay and her roomate Sam), and Miley goes wild. She drinks, she takes racy myspace pictures, she has a little fun. Here's a little chart, so you can keep track of their faces. Does it look a little familiar (click through for larger size)?



This has happened before, only there weren't shower pictures as a companion to the high school drama. Remember Aaroncartergate '02? He dated Lindsay Lohan for a period of time before leaving her for her best friend Hilary Duff, reportedly because had a cleaner image. After Lindsay left Hilary threatening and hateful messages on her voicemail, Duff responded in her song "Haters": You’re the queen of superficiality/Keep your lies out of my reality/You say your boyfriend’s sweet and kind/But you’ve still got your eyes on mine. And in case you forgot what that all looked like in 2002, click on the picture below:



And we all know how that one turned out. Sorry Miley. If the scenario repeats itself, you'll always be more fun to read about, but you'll be a sad, washed up lesbian, making 120 grand per movie. You can't help it. It's your destiny.