Friday, January 16, 2009

For Your Consideration...

So here I am, 2am, watching the episode of Golden Girls where the gals stay up all night to help Rose kick her painkiller addiction (sidenote: was anyone paying attention to this in the 80s? This shit is for serious progressive) on Lifetime. I especially enjoy Lifetime for the ads for their original programming, such as Co-Ed Call Girl, Homeless to Harvard, and She's Too Young, among many others. But tonight, in between ads for that Sigourney Weaver "Oh No My Son Is Gay Oh No Now He's Dead And That's Even Worse" movie, I saw an original movie advertised that brought me to my knees. Have you ever seen Riding The Bus With My Sister? Or at least the Best-Of montage? If not, click here immediately.

In the classic tradition of that fine film, Lifetime brings us...PROFOUNDLY NORMAL. Kirstie "May Have Eaten Xenu" Alley and Delroy "STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE" Lindo star as Donna Selby and Ricardo Thornton, two (yes) mentally challenged adults living in a long term care facility. They have known each other for most of their lives, and when the home they live in burns to the ground (not only am I not making this up, this is apparently based on a true story), they realize that they have always loved one another, and wish to raise a family together, which is expressly forbidden by Social Services. I could not possibly wait until 9pm EST tonight to watch this masterpiece, so obviously I watched the entire thing on YouTube, while writing this post. Allow me to share some highlights and screencaps with you.

How on earth Alley was overlooked for an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and fuck it, a Tony and an Oscar is light years beyond me. LOOK AT THIS ACTING:

And what you can't even see is that she's affecting a harsh Southern accent, whilst acting retarded! She even tries to ride the bus by herself to McDonald's, but forgets to get off and accidentally winds up in the wrong part of town. Charming montage ensues. CUTE!

In this screen capture, Donna and one of her friends are screaming the word "penis" at as loud as they can. She's totally the Carrie of her friends. Except, you know, fat.

"A night like this, a moon like that. Every monkey for 200 miles thinks he's Elvis Presley. PS, ever wonder what I did after Congo?" Seriosly though, he's not even acting retarded. Alley's going full-retard here, or perhaps even beyond, and he's supposed to be challenged but instead kind of sounds like Captain Wanta? Is Congo my favorite movie ever made? Yeah, maybe it is, what of it?

HAHAHAHA JUNIOR DICTIONARY. Ummm...after this clip I left off an awkward, painful to watch sex scene, which I'm pretty sure should have been left on the cutting room floor, followed by an flashback to a brutally graphic rape. So, uh, yeah, took a turn for the worse there.

WHEW,that's over. Now she's stumped trying to help her teenage son with his homework, because she's retarded, remember?? Wait. Son? Shit, that missing chapter may have contained some vital information. It appears he's also...a genius? That can't be right. He was also the blue Power Ranger for a while.

Home, sweet home. KIDDING! That's a hate crime.

"I always liked swings." Last frame, and last line of the movie. I couldn't have made that up. Well, OK, I could have, I have a pretty funny imagination. Except in my version the swing would break and everyone involved in the production of this film would be sucked into something that looks a lot like the fiery abyss of HELL, like in that other, far superior Delroy Lindo film.

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