7 Things About The VMAs

Because if you didn't see it, you don't need to. And I couldn't even think of ten. So seven it is. And because "7 Things" is what Miley Cyrus did NOT PERFORM, thanks a lot MTV, once again...FOR NOTHING.

1. TI, Rihanna, do me. Please.

If this song isn't the biggest hit since "Love In The Club," there is no god, and American's have even less taste than I thought.

2. The Jonas Brothers suck way more than I thought they did. Watching them perform on what looked like the Sesame Street set was more than fitting, except I'm pretty sure (read: absolutely positive) that their song "Love Bug" is about AIDS. Read the lyrics here.

3. Zac Effron need to die, and I'm serious this time.

The makeup, the awkward facial hair, that stare, MAKE IT GO AWAY. Does not want. And take your beard with you too, she bores me.

4. I am so out of touch with pop culture.

Tokio Hotel fever has apparently spread to this fine country of ours, and I for one, am vehemently opposed to it. I like my androgyny free of emopoppunk, free of screaming tweens, and preferably in the 1970s. NO. Also:

5. Lauren Conrad and Chace Crawford need to bang. While Ed Westwick watches.

6. Jordan Sparks (ha! I had to look that up, I totally thought it was Sparxx, as in Bubba) defended the honor of aforementioned Jonas Brothers, who became the the object of jabs due to their wearing of purity rings. "Not everyone wants to be a slut," Sparks proclaimed. Shut up Jordan. "No Air," albeit awesome, may be the extent of your fame, let's not push it.

You looked good though, props, and to your credit, none of the jokes about their virginity were funny, but still. Shut up.

7. Britney, I can't believe that you skinned a golden retriever and wore it on your head, for shame.