The Bitch is Back

The Hills is back, god bless it. It just looks so pretty.

Tonight's series premiere had the task of establishing Kristin Cavallari as a replacement for Lauren Conrad. That started with the realization that, holy shit, that isn't LC's voice in the intro voiceover at all. Then Lo, Stephanie, and Audrina had a wonderful conversation about Kristin, the highlight being the Lo's question "Is she like, gonna be our friend now?"

Which is a great question, because why would she except for the obvious reason that the show requires her to be. I mean, I almost expected her to have to be their illogical TV friend, but she it turns out the answer to Lo's question was a resounding no. A clear sign of the new hierarchy, and an always important detail in the Hills, is in the titles. Lo and Audrina don't need Kristin to be their friend because, as the screen informs us, Audrina is no longer "Lauren's Friend" but rather an autonomous entity (Lo is now "Audrina's friend") (where Stacy "the bartender" fits into a hierarchy I have not yet figured out).

Stephanie's mythologizing of Kristin was also pretty amazing in this ("how can one person turn all of our lives upside down", etc), and Kristin delivered on the drama (as we all expected her to, because she said she would "in real life"). Oh the ambiguity and the, I dunno, supertext (what else would you call those titles). This show is made for me sometimes.

It's gonna be interesting to see how this show fares with Kristin. While at times boring, the last few seasons had an almost realist (obviously only vaguely and in this one aspect) slant in how banal it was. This premiere kinda snuck up on me but I am now very excited.

Heidiwonk

New nose, new breasts, newly married...DEAD EYE. Look at Spencer, he looks like he just saw that wonkey for the first time. Maybe he already knows though. I bet they use the power of that wandering eyeball to spot camera lenses, photo ops, and blow.

from Bill Simmons' mailbag (!) about the Hills(!!)

I read Sports Guy today for the first time in a bit, and the most entertaining thing in it was Sports Gal re: Hills.

Q: Can you ask the Sports Gal if she's keeping track of how many birthdays Brody Jenner gets per year? We've counted two this season already.
-- Lauren and Kristina, Boston

SG: It took two people to write that e-mail! Here's the Sports Gal's response: "Brody is the only person with an IQ greater than 85 on that show and figured out three years ago that not only could he be the center of two birthday party shows per year, but everyone would be dumb enough to keep giving him gifts. Remember, he is the only person on the show who sees right through Spencer's loser sister and that is saying something. I like when Brody has a birthday because it reminds me that we have to move our clocks either forward or back soon." Well, then.

Hahaha. Discuss.

We miss things by not watching the Hills aftershow, I swear

So myself, Matty, Rich, and Epps were watching GG and the Hills as we tend to do on Monday nights, and I was thinking about how these two shows, which we watch back to back (DVR, obvi) every week are so completely opposite in terms of the amount of shit that happens on them. Rich has talked before about how GG is almost too fast paced sometimes; story lines which could be stretched out for a season are handled neatly in a few episodes. It is this breakneck pace which makes me both amazed at how well the writers are handling the second season of Gossip Girl and scared about how long they can possibly keep this up.

The Hills, on the other hand, is comparatively (hell, even on its own terms), a total drone piece. Sure, there's the odd relationship issue or move but, especially this season, things not only happen at a snail's pace, but, when they do, just don't seem to be all that serious; certainly more smooth rolling Hills (ha!) than large peaks and valleys. This is especially true this season for LC, the supposed main character of the show, who hasn't really gone through shit this season. Her one big relationship (Doug the failed baseball player) ended up causing more drama for Stephanie Pratt than herself. Her work life has been much more interesting for Whitney than for her. Her run-ins with Heidi and Spencer have been much more about Heidi and Spencer than about her. Lauren's just kind of there.

And this is actually okay, I think, especially given the fact that we can use the Hills as a nice little comedown after GG. And no worries about the Hills running out of plotlines because, well, the plots seem completely inconsequential. It gets by on the fact that it's a surprisingly well shot show that we're just so seemingly comfortable with that there's no real reason not to watch it.

Coincidentally, it seems that Charlize Theron recently said some shit about how the Hills is about nothing and she can't figure out it's popularity, to which LC responded, more or less, with "Uh, well, yeah." I think the Seinfeld comparison is interesting because in that case, if someone asked "Why do you watch a show about nothing?" I could at least answer that I watch because it's funny. In the case of the Hills, especially in this relatively drama-free season, I'm not sure I know why. Comfortable, again, seems like as good a word as any, and I'm currently fine with that.